Poor me...

I'm sick today. It seems to be some kind of tummy thing - just hope I'm not growing a new ulcer. Some people when they are sick can take some meds, tune out and sleep through the worst of it. I get all introspective and full of self blame. I dread getting a serious disease like cancer, not because of how horrible that would be, which it would, but because of the very nasty mental blame game that I would put myself through. All the smoking and drinking and all night partying at the time seemed like adult decisions being made by an adult, however with hindsight one sees that no proper decisions were being made and in fact a lot of time and energy was spent on avoiding the big issues altogether. See, I'm doing it again. Staring at my belly button.


So what comes from all this wallowing in one's internal mire?  Sometimes a little insight. Like, the reason why my weight loss has come to a screeching halt is because I need to get off my fat backside and get it into a gym or at the least, a pool. And that is going to hurt, a lot. There's the metal rod in my left leg and the internal tear in one of my abdominal ligaments and to top it all off there's the little issue of very poor muscle recovery. Back in the day when I was the energizer bunny, I could go hell for leather in the gym with very little if any after effect. Now, the merest extra movement has me in full body pain for a least a week afterwards. Anti-inflammatories are no help as the problem is in the nerves, not the muscles. Acquired Neural Sensitisation Disorder is what was diagnosed in NZ and there is not much that can be done about it apart from what I already do being a Hashi. There has been some promising research from Australia but that won't result in any kind of meds before I have to get my A into G and exercise. 


Wallowing is quite tiring and I still have a lot of it to do. I have to consider all my sad bits such as the root canal that has to be redone, the mole that needs to be removed from near my eye, the veins in the left leg that are damaged from the accident and need fixed, the muscle spasms in my neck and shoulders need attention, I need my regular check up x-rays on my dud leg to check the screw positions (some odd movement in there), I need to get the other leg x-rayed as I found bone spurs (only formed after a break, if I had 2 broken legs I'm going to sue someone to death), my tummy is irritable as anything and I need a haircut. I'm a wreck. Tomorrow when I hopefully feel better, I may return and delete this or I may just let it go so that I remember to actually get onto some of these things and feel better about my falling apart self.